Winter Formal Blues - After this tragic episode in my life my girlfriend at the time and I were able to laugh about it. Paula was able to laugh about it more than I did but I was a good sport because I learned a lesson in relationships and in the end I got what I deserved - all is fair in love and war... So here's the background: Winter of my Senior year. New school, new friends and I'm actually enjoying my "new digs" in the public school system. I am dating a cute girl from my Chemistry class that had a crush on me (early on, I'm fairly oblivious to this fact) and I'm making some head-way in the popularity race. In any case, we've got Winter Formal coming up and I like a dope I have my eyes on a girl named Julie Davis. (Yes, I know - I didn't forget about the cute chem girl...) Julie is tall, blonde and striking. She also has an air of mystery and a little attitude and I'm attracted to that. Some would call her "bitchy", I tend to paint her as strong-willed. Boy was I wrong. In any case, I wind up making the wrong decision - I ask Julie out to the dance even though I know that I'd have a better time with the cute girl in Chem (at this point I'm starting to develop deep feelings for her). This was a risk because at this volatile age I know that I might ruin things completely with my soon to be girlfriend (didn't know it then), but I gamble. So here's the funny part for those of you who are curious... pay attention now. Julie was running late, her friends at the dance were annoying and she didn't stop smoking the whole night. To make matters worse, (yeah, it gets worse) she disappears with her best friend and I'm left at the table with her friend's date. By now, some of the other girl friends I have are feeling sorry for me, so I'm getting some sympathy dances from them. We're now three hours into this horrid affair and there's no end in sight. Well, the night ended with Julie and her friend taking off with the band in their limousine, never to say good-bye to either of us and never to be heard from again. I took the other poor bastard home and then took myself home wondering what I had done and how much it would cost me... It turned out okay in the end. I bore the indignity of admitting what an ass I was to Paula and she forgave me. And thus began the foundation of a 4 year relationship I would have with the cute girl from Chemistry. Don't worry, she reminded me from time to time about Ms. Davis - all in good fun of course. I think she just liked reminding me that I missed out on a magical evening, she knew it, I knew it and now you know it.

The case of the Sears toilet - This story is only funny in restrospect. When I was a small boy I just saw the ordeal as a very clever solution. Of course looking back I can't imagine how embarassed I would have been had I known about social etiquette... What I can remember is one day my parents and I went to Sears. They were going to purchase a new washing machine because our old one couldn't be fixed anymore. They were looking at various models and then finally decided to buy one. Well, that process was taking a long time and at the time I remember there wasn't a lot to do in the appliance department. This would have been fine, except for the fact that I now had to go to the bathroom. I waited for as long as I could and then I let my parents know I had to go. Of course they were busy and they wanted me to wait. So I waited, and asked again. Still busy. I waited some more. Still busy. By now I couldn't hold it and I started to wander around. This led me straight to the... Bath fixtures department, which, conveniently at the time was right next door. Well, needless to say, a minute later I had raised the lids on one of the toilets in the faux bathroom displays, in the middle of the aisle and let go. Man did that feel good. So good in fact that I don't remember the mass of people walking around behind me or the security guard that was waiting for me to finish. I guess it was more embarassing for my parents but its still not one of my finer moments... But it is a funny story.

The first day on the job - My last job used to require a drug test before you were hired. This was the first time in my working career where I was asked to take this kind of test so I didn't quite know what to think. In the back of your mind you're still a little "putt off" by this type of request. I don't know why I was worried, drugs are one thing that I've never cared to try so I knew it would be "routine" as far as I was concerned. In retrospect I remember still having nightmares that they would find some "undiscovered" reason to keep me from my new job... On the scheduled day I went to the clinic and took a seat in the waiting room. I remember there was a wind outside and the door needed to be closed so that it wouldn't be "flapped" around. I was sitting in a desk like chair and after a while I decided to get something to read and a drink of water. I got a magazine and a glass of water from the water fountain and sat back down. So there I was, beginning to relax and feeling much better. While I was waiting there some more people came in - I remember thinking to myself that these were potential co-workers. Well, here's the funny part. The last person that came in before I was called back didn't know about the door. I was now engrossed in an article and was not paying attention. The door was left open and wind slammed the door shut with a large "bang". I was startled and forgot about my glass of water. Needless to say, I knocked it down and spilled the water all over my crotch - great. Just as I was thinking about how long it would take to dry I hear the nurse call my name. As luck would have it my pants never dried and on my way out I was met with a waiting room full of co-workers. I tried to exit as gracefully as possible but it was no use. Everyone looked up just in time to see me exit my urine test with a wet crotch. As the door slammed behind me I still remember hearing some snickering and some laughter. As if it wasn't bad enough I got to actually meet three of these same people that next week during orientation - how fitting.