While being at the hospital feels like you’re watching paint dry on the walls, Hospice turns out to be very different. After a single meeting with a hospice coordinator at Kaiser, we chose the company that we wanted to work with and within a couple of hours, we had a hospital bed, oxygen equipment, medications and personnel, on an already predetermined schedule.

Having the Hospice team turn up at the house, helped with a little distraction, there is a lot to pay attention to and quite a few medications to label and familiarize yourself with. This last step of course means, that the doctor’s prognosis is somehow cementing itself around you. There is a finality to this phase of my mom’s care.

We need to shift our lives for a bit and we’re both figuring out how this is going to work. Karen has volunteered to be point and I am going to try and get as much work time in before I need to ask for either vacation or a possible work-from-home scenario.

Mom’s partial face paralysis continues and there is an occasional bout of throwing-up but we’re still optimistic. The key is to focus on the journey ahead, the destination is not appealing in the least…

Comfort vs Treatment

Our journey begins, like most, with the dreaded visit to the ER. Karen and I already know how this works, as we’ve had previous experience with everyone of our parents. This time, it literally has taken numbness in my mother’s face for her to want to get some help. Of course, as it goes with my folks, this is the first we’re hearing of these symptoms and as usual, we’re surprised that they’re willing to ignore, fairly obvious signs of trouble before doing something about them.

I take my parents to the hospital, Karen goes home to pack our ‘go bags’, knowing full well, that dinner has just been taken off the table and at minimum, we won’t be home until very late in the morning, the following day.

We wait the usual 6-8 for the test results to come back and we get the news: brain cancer. What started 5 years ago as a small polyp is now going to claim my mom’s life… The diagnosis isn’t surprising under the circumstances, but it’s still a gut punch. My Dad sits across from us and I can tell that this will be the hardest thing he’s had to take on.

I don’t know if you can prepare for news like that, or what is coming next. I vaguely remember the specifics of what the doctor is saying, but he offers us two choices; comfort or treatment. To my mom, there is only one road, and that is comfort. We are now enlisted to help manage my mom’s passing with the least amount of pain possible.

I leave the hospital around 2:15 am, so I can function at work, and she’s admitted to the hospital around 3:20 am. Karen stays with mom, until she’s placed in her own room, and then heads home. We’ll chat in the morning and start to put plans in motion.

Life is different now, and I hope I have enough love and patience to see me through this. I’ve never been good under stress so my goal is to manage the overwhelming wave of emotions that have started. I’m thankful I have Karen, because she rises to any challenge, effortlessly and without question. There’s comfort in knowing that we’re in this together and somehow we’ll find our way through this.

Fck Cncr

So, we’re here.

This journey has been 4 years in the making but Karen and I knew that we may have to deal with my mom’s cancer again. Once she announced that she wouldn’t undergo another round of chemo, we hoped for the best but we prepared for the worst.

I’m writing about this, partly because it’ll help me keep a little sanity but also because I want to remember this time with her. At some point, I’ll look back on the details and try to make sense of them.

So yeah, it might be a little depressing, but I’ll try to include some funny anecdotes and stories. I’m sure that there will be plenty, knowing my parents, the way I do. All families have quirks and that’s what makes us unique and interesting.

Deep breath – here we go…

Exit, Stage Left

The pain started in the afternoon just after lunch. As it became more intense, my first guess was: food poisoning. Having been down the under cooked meal route before I figured it would be a couple hours of discomfort and then it would be over… boy was I ever wrong.

I skipped dinner and went to bed early hoping to wake up better in the morning. That night around 2am in the morning I woke Karen up and had her take me to the ER. After getting a CT Scan and blood panel it was obvious to the doctor that my appendix was not a happy camper. As with a problematic Gall Bladder, surgery is the only solution. Lucky for me, this was a body part that didn’t seem to have a purpose in life. Once it was gone, it wouldn’t be missed. Without a lot of hesitation I was scheduled for surgery and a vitally important regimen of morphine (mmm, morphine…).

We were reassured that this was a routine procedure, and if done via laparotomy I would be back to work in a couple of days. I vaguely remember this conversation for two reasons – the first being my drug induced stupor (did I mention I was on morphine?), the second being the inordinate amount of pain I was in. By the time I was told I was scheduled to have surgery, the doctor could have told me he was going to take out my appendix with a sharpened spoon and a fork and I would have signed the release form without a second thought.

As I was wheeled into the operating room I remember thinking, “it’s awfully bright in here”. This was when the rubber was meeting the road, so to speak and after having seen countless episodes of E.R. and Grey’s Anatomy, I felt I was ready for my surgical debut. I remember the mask, I remember asking, “now?” What I didn’t get to do was count backwards from 100, and not more than two seconds later I was waking up in the recovery room surrounded by a totally different group of strangers. Apparently, I had survived the ordeal; three small scars were the only proof that the surgical team had done it’s job.

And so ended my non-surgical streak. Up to this point I’ve never had a broken bone or anything close to resembling a major medical issue. Looking back I guess it’s one of the best “problems” to have if you’re looking at being “put under”. Full recovery is going to take 3-5 weeks but I’m just looking forward to some time away from the office, making some headway with my Netflix queue and getting some reading done.

Adios appendix, I knew you well…

Rules of Life

The 6 Rules of Life

  1. If you like something because you think other people are going to like it, it’s a sure bet that no one will.
  2. Most doors in the world are closed, so if you find one that you want to get into, you damn well better have an interesting knock.
  3. Everything that you think is important isn’t. Everything that you think is unimportant is.
  4. Don’t shit where you eat.
  5. “Lean into it”; The outcome doesn’t matter. What matters is that you were there for it, whatever ‘it’ is – good or bad.
  6. Don’t sleep with people who have more problems than you do.

These are pretty ‘spot on’.


It’s my birthday, and I’ll smile if I want to…


Delta Machine

The most memorable Depeche Mode concert I attended was the tour for ‘Black Celebration’. In my opinion, this is still their best album to date. As I watched, enthralled, as Martin moved about on stage striking various tools and cooking implements hung from a platform. Each strike created a programmed cacophony of MIDI music and it was in that moment I thought to myself – I want to do that, I want to be a musician.

Well, it’s been more than 20 years since that night and I’ve remained a fan. Though the musician bit didn’t pan out, I still have an obsessive love affair with music and my roots run deep in the ‘big hair days’. I continue to be surprised to see who of my ’80s heroes keep making music but I’m beginning to think that groups like Depeche Mode won’t really ever die. Somehow they’ll find a way to keep on being part of the airwaves.

The boys from Basildon are back and here’s a taste of their new album:


The Art of Fiction

I came across this Marukami interview during my internet travels. I thought I’d share. For those of you who are fans, I hope you enjoy it…

Nook, it rhymes with book…

Reading and I have always had a love/hate relationship. Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not because I hate reading. I just wish I could clone myself so I could read without the expense of time and there are mechanical gyrations of the actual handling of a book that I don’t like. Also, traveling with books always limits how much print I can consume on a given trip. In the case of traveling, I’ve done things, like leave books behind once I’m done with them or I’ve given them to fellow travelers just so I wouldn’t have to carry them.

In spite of the promise of eReaders making things vastly simpler, I have been a late adopter to this whole idea. Partly because I didn’t see how I would integrate an eReader into my workflow and mostly because it seemed that the expense isn’t worth the promise… Well, Karen was the first to jump on the bandwagon and decided that I would enjoy it if I just gave it a chance. She bought me my first Nook eReader in 2011 and I have to admit that for the most part the silly little device has opened up yet another avenue in which I can lose copious amounts of time to a single endeavor. I didn’t realize how much more I would read if things were as easy as a single-press purchase or if I had the ability to read books on my phone.

Now, as I add books to my wish list about as quickly as I add films to my Netflix queue I begin to wonder whether I should start to look at the expense in any way… in 2012 I was surprised to see that I managed to read 23 books and I haven’t made a real dent in my wish list. I’m also experiencing the problem of getting a never ending list of recommendations from friends and the internet. Now more than ever, the cloning thing seems like a better idea.

So, am I a believer in tablets as eReaders? Well, not necessarily. I will always reach for my laptop long before I reach for my tablet for computing chores. And I hate having to think about bringing one more thing with me on trips, but I will admit that for reading, an eReader has all those devices beat hands down. As far as ergonomics goes though, I still hate having to prop something up or hold it while I read. One of these days I will find a way to build and market ‘The Capsule’. This will simply be a clear stand that you can prop over your head so that you can rest your reader on it (height adjustable, of course). The Capsule will also include a Bluetooth or wired remote that will plug into your reader allowing you to flip pages without touching the device. I know it sounds very lazy… but don’t knock it until you get to try it. Much like having a TV attached to the ceiling, this type of setup will grant you hours of reading without the pain of holding something in your hands.

If you enjoy reading, I highly recommend either a Kindle or Nook or Tablet. If you’re like me, you’ll find that you will make more time to read and it will be easier to make the time. Finally, if you have a book you think I’d enjoy, pass it along. I always enjoy a good recommendation. 🙂

Painted Red

Painted Red by JJ Heller

The track that drew me in: Keep you safe

The track I discovered: True Things

The track best enjoyed with headphones: Painted Red